If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.