friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke