Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
*lint rolls you awake*
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!