After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce