Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The devil.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
felt that
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…