[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Swedish for common sense.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
She: I like Cats
He:
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.