*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
For the baby who has everything
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it