*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
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Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Yoga Matt
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
lumberjacks will cut a birch
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Jogging
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️