If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.