I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.