ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.