I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Always 🥴
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’