I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time