[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
You Might Also Like
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.