I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no