You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
oh my gosh!!
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
This did not end as expected.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?