People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
From Facebook just now…
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.