When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me, in DM rooms…
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Very good! 👍😂
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower