Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
this isn’t threatening at all
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
The Sun
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!