I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Had to try this trend 😊
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Beware of the dog..
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.