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Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
spot the difference
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
it’s either covid or clever vampires
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.