Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
You Might Also Like
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
need him
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology