I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
LOL
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”