Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.