Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.