My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.