Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
hmmm
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.