The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
You Might Also Like
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners