“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
just witnessed a drug deal
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.