[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?