I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.