me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.