Seals are just dog mermaids.
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My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.