My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Trying
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
This probably isn’t good
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.