We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Girl, same.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.