2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.