Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush