the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
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A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy