Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
The only equipped I am is ill.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal