Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg