“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
You Might Also Like
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.