I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive