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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
WHO DID THIS?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!