“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
wtf is an acronym
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
yeah no that’s fair
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
any last words?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days