Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
You Might Also Like
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
In case you needed to hear it:
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.