Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me: