The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.