Breakfast for Stoners:
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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
he chose this
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.