This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”