I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now